Wednesday, June 30, 2010

"I Feel Like I Need to Start Over"

The past few days have been hard. Much to do, many demands, bills, whiny kids, homeschool lessons to plan, fear that I am not an adequate teacher, "will they learn what they need to know?", the heat, bills, that kitchen that still sits half painted, dentists appointments, sewing, confrontation, hurried days busy schedules.....throw in a messy house, potty training 2 year old and an overflowing garden desperately needed to be canned, and you are left with one tired momma! How is it, that life can be rolling along so beautifully....and all of a sudden I find myself so worn. Now, don't get me wrong, the past few days have been good. But little occurrences have left my heart tired, confused and at moments...frustrated. I know the kind of home and life I want to provide for my husband and children: A happy, gentle momma, a home full of peace and love, rooms bursting with the grace and mercy of the Lord. Homeschooling lessons full of laughter, healthy meals around a smiling table, Saturdays in the garden working together as a family, afternoons spent sewing to fund adoptions, children to find a refuge in our family, a joy filled home for my hard working husband to come home to. Oh, and I want the house to be clean....sparkling, perfectly organized. I envision evenings around the fire reading missionary biographies aloud to the kids, trips to the grocery store with a coupon for every item, handmade quilts on each bed and smocked dresses on every little girl. A simple, plain house.....full of laughter and love. I long for perfection. The past few days have reminded me that we live in a fallen world...there will be no perfection this side of Heaven. I can work, strive, fight, pray, beg and exhaust myself......but the Thomas Kincaid image of home I am struggling to achieve....will. not.be.
Landis has had a tough day. A tired little boy, in desperate need of a long nap...morphed into quite the hand full by lunchtime. A trashing heap on the floor....he finally calmed, and looked up at my through red, puffy eyes. "Momma." He said, "I feel like I just need to start over again." Oh, the honest plea from his little heart. I know how he feels...I too feel like I just need to start over again.

What a gracious, tender, patient God we serve...who gives us not only the privilege, but the strength itself to "just start over again." And He pleads to us, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matt. 11:28) In Him, in His Word I will find the rest and stillness of heart I so desire.

Life is busy....but I need not fill it up with more. Each day will hold whiny kids, hurts, frustrations, appointments and demands....and that is ok. I do not have to mop after each meal, keep the windows fee of all precious little fingerprints, have the smartest kids on the block or coupon like a pro. I do not need to sell a million dress, read 50 blogs, can 5 bushels of pickles, smock all of Evangeline's clothes or grind every grain of wheat we eat. I must quit doing and start trusting in his grace and His provision. Oh, how my days might look if I rose each morning, lifted my hands to heaven and cried out, "The day is yours.....how then should I fill it! And may I rest in Your strength and not my own to carry these short hours here on earth out!"

I am thankful for these hard, but good days when the Lord stops me, brings me back and reminds me to slow down and rest in Him. He has placed one wonderful husband and 3 precious children in my care, and He will bring more according to His timing and when He sees fit. Nothing I can do will speed that process up, and Hallelujah that He knows best!

So I will "just start this day over", only not trusting in my own strength, but His grace. I will do the best with the energy, time and ability He gives me, and be content to let the rest....rest. May I sew, but know that He is the great provider, may I cook, but remember that He is the one who nourishes souls, may I clean..yet remember that this world is not my home. May I rest in Him!

My wonderful husband and sweet kids....who are happy to have just me, a not a perfectly clean house!:)

7 comments:

  1. Wonderful, much needed post, Julie! Just how I have been feeling lately too. :) Thank you!

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  2. Oh..I needed this post so so bad! I am in tears thinking how hard I am on myself! Why all the expectations when I can just fall and rest in his arms and he will supply me with the strength. Looking forward to meeting you in a couple of days!

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  3. Great post Julie. As you can imagine life is very busy around here too. I thank you for this heart felt post and the reminder that God is the direction we should always be focusing all of our energy on and He will take care of the rest.
    Blessings,
    Amy

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  4. So encouraging. Your picture of "perfect" sort of matches mine, but life is so far from it! Yes, I think sometimes I just need to start over.

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  5. Awesome post Julie! We all need to start over now & then! Can't wait for the day when in heaven & we will never need to start over again!

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  6. thanks for your comment! :-) love this post of yours...i think all of us moms can relate and our hearts are all saying the same things! thanks for being open and honest!

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